Excuse Me, I Think I`m Lost, Can You Help Me?

Posted on November 16, 2008 - Filed Under Personal |

The past couple of weeks, I`ve been feeling like I`m just spinning my wheels. I`ve had a lot of work, which might account for some of it . . . I`m not moving forward on any of my own projects, but that`s not the whole issue.

Lately, it seems like the all I do is write and deal with whiny kids and think about stuff I`m missing. That sounds terrible, but borrowing a page from Christine`s book . . . just keeping it real. :)

Before I met Irving, I had zero interest in ever actually having a long term relationship. I`d tried it and it had backfired horribly, leaving me with a scarred heart and the realization that my original plans to go through life alone were more intelligent than I`d anticipated. As for kids . . . I figured I`d adopt them in my late 30`s, once I`d tried everything I wanted to do.

See, I didn`t have a very exciting life up until I left Canada. Most of my hopes and dreams were centered around doing stuff AFTER I left home and earned enough money to travel, etc. I dreamed of being an actress (since I was 6), a doctor and a writer. Well, I am a writer now, so one dream did come true, but there are times (like recently) when I look around at what I`ve become and wonder.

It`s not that I`ve become something bad. I`m a mom, which is mostly wonderful, a wife, which has it`s ups and downs, but is way better than I`d imagined, and a writer, a childhood dream.

But what I miss is being able to be creative and paint and draw and experiment with cooking and read books (in English) and being, well, ME. Maybe part of the problem is that I had that brief glimpse of what an exciting life could be, when I packed everything up, said my goodbyes to anyone I`d ever known and took off for foreign lands. It was scary, exhilarating and realizing that I could survive was so amazing. :)

I feel like I`ve lost myself somewhere along the way and I`m not sure if that`s the way it`s supposed to be . . . I mean, I DO have two toddlers, so maybe this is how it is until they grow up? But I`m not sure I want to just be Mom for 18 years, I want some of me back, too. Just not sure of how to get it back.


3 Responses to “Excuse Me, I Think I`m Lost, Can You Help Me?”

  1. Connie on November 16th, 2008 3:15 pm

    Not too long ago, my 5yo daughter told me that it was very strange that I didn’t have a name before. I was a bit surprised by this, but asked her what she meant. She said that now, my name is Mommy, but I didn’t have a name before that. I asked, what about ‘Connie’, that’s my name. She said, No, your name is Mommy, Connie is just a word, you didn’t have a name.

    Technically, she is right. Before I was her mommy, the person I am now, did not exist, therefore, how could she have a name?

    You’re not lost. You’re new. Or maybe, since parts of the old have been re-used to create who you are now, you’re recycled. ;-)

    I think we better get used to it… I’ve come to believe that life is one transformation after the other.

  2. Expat Mom on November 16th, 2008 6:19 pm

    :D I like that . . . the recycled thing reminds me of the movie “Robots”, where the bad guys are all shiny and new and the good guys just keep reusing old parts and hand-me-downs. lol

  3. Jessica K on November 16th, 2008 8:05 pm

    Aww, I SO know how you feel. I think it’s just part of the journey we’re on as moms. As your boys get older, I think you’ll be able to reclaim some of those things that make you YOU. I can see such a difference in my life already, and my guys are just 6 and 3. As they get more independent, you get to be too.
    I hope you are making time to do some of the things you love. I know you work at home, and the people I know who do that tend to work, or at least piddle at working ALL the time. It’s not a selfish thing to just chill and be yourself for a while after your kids are asleep!
    Anyway, you aren’t “just mom”. You keep more things going at one time than just about anyone I know!

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