Kids Say the Darndest Things: Episode 91

Me: “Dorian! You’ve grown again!”
Dorian: “Yeah, I know.”
Me: “Who gave you permission to grow?”
Dorian: “Um, God?”
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Dominic had an accident outside because the bathroom was occupied.
Me: “You peed EVERYWHERE!”
Dominic: “No, I didn’t pee on the toilet seat this time.”
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Dorian: holding up a flat tortilla chip. “This looks like the symbol for the Illuminati.”
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Me: “Boys! Dinnertime!”
Dorian: running into the house “It feels like we’re a real family! You know, where the kids play outside until dark and then the mom calls them in for supper.”
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Overheard in the living room. “NO! NO! NO! What if Dominic gets hurt?!”
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Dorian: “I’m taking The Impossible Quiz. Okay, it says . . . is the glass half full or half empty? Wait, I can’t even SEE a glass!”
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Dorian: “Did you know in Ireland they call potatoes ‘spuds?’ I love that word! I’m never saying potato again. I’m only calling them spuds!”
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Dorian: “I noticed you were already awake when we had the earthquake.”
Me: “Yeah, Dominic wasn’t sleeping well.”
Dorian: “He kept you up all night again? Is that why you’re tired? You know, I’ve heard there are sleeping pills, maybe we should get him some . . . ”
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Dominic: “Mama! There’s a spider!!!”
Me: “It’s just a bitty one, don’t worry about it.”
Dominic: “Just PUNCH it, Mama!”
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Dominic: “I have an angry eye and a good eye. What eye do you see?”
Me: “Um, the good one?”
Dominic: “No, that’s the angry one. I’m good and I’m bad, but right now, I’m angry.”
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Dorian: “Dante could get a job in paperwork.”
Dante: “That’s really hard!”
Dorian: “Yeah, you have to make thousands of notes and stamp things and pile papers up. Actually, I’m not sure they pay for that.”
Dante: “I can pick my OWN job!”
Dorian: “They might give you food.”
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I cut Dante’s fingernails, which grow ridiculously fast.
Dante: “I feel so strange without my claws.”
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The boys were watching a YouTube video and I heard familiar music.
Me: “Hey, that’s the music from the Titanic movie I told you about.”
Dorian: “Yeah, we know. This is a Frozen/Titanic mashup. Elsa sinks the Titanic. That’s the REAL story!”
Cue hysterical laughter.
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Me: “Note to self, don’t play Agar.io when baking.”
Dorian: “Why?”
Dante: “Because you get distracted and burn stuff, right, Mama?”
Me: “Yes, I burned these a little.”
Dorian: “So, would that be a life lesson, then?”
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Dominic: “I see ants. Everything has a name and these are named ants. And I call them ants.”
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Dominic: “Mama, do you have bad dreams?”
Me: “Sometimes. And you?”
Dominic: “Yes. I have bad dreams with trees and snakes.”
Me: “Snakes in the trees?”
Dominic: “They climb the trees, so yeah. And they fall on the head and bite and make you sad. It’s a bad dream.”
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Overheard in the living room. “If you don’t stop bugging me, I’ll become hostile.”
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Dominic: “Hey, these jammies have pockets!”
Me: “Oh, nice, I didn’t notice.”
Dominic: “For the money can get in! And the cars.”

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